lovely lager

I’m feeling good about life, y’know? 

This fulltime job is fantastic. It’s amazing. 
The IUD is in and effective.
I’ve unofficially lived with my boyfriend for over 11 months.

I’m happy.

I’m exhausted

Two weeks, 3 states, nearly 4000klms and 40degree heat. I had an amazing time with him. We met one another’s extended family’s.

We had a nice motel.
We fucked on a beach in a full moon.
We fucked in a sauna.

I think we’re in love. It hasn’t been said yet but I think so. He says my name more, holds my hand, and compliments me.

I feel like with him, I’m at home.

I’m also restructuring my finances, to start right. Moving banks, developing new strategies to manage savings, and to live comfortably on my good salary. I really like the company so far.

Just a quick update nevertheless, buggered but sleepless, it’s 9:30pm, still light outside and sweltering hot.

Amazing drive, staying by the beaches, site seeing, fucking, loving ,now we are in the spa. This is an amazing trip.

You don’t know if I grew out of being a honey blonde or took after your dark hair. 

You don’t know how tall I am.
You don’t know how I talk, I don’t think you’ve ever seen me smile. 

Did I retain the light grey eyes of my mother, your then girlfriend, or did I take after you? 

I’m nearly 21. I might have a husband, a boyfriend. You might have grandchildren. You might have missed my wedding; so who walked me down the isle?

Who the hell are my kids going to call grandpa?

You son of a bitch.

—

I never talk about him. I never mention him. None of my friends have ever heard me speak of him. There is no one in my life that I call Dad. That is easily the word I have used the least since I learned to speak.

The one time I remember meeting him I was about 8 years old. I was at my grandparents house, and they told me I was going to meet him. I remember getting really excited, and I put on a pretty dress, I’m sure my favorite at the time. 

He walked in the door with a petite blonde woman.

I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why he hadn’t hugged me yet.

He was so cold, so the friendly but very out-of-her-depth blonde spent 5 minutes with me, as I sat on my little bed trying to figure out why he didn’t treat me like my friends dads’ treated them. He didn’t say anything except a timid hello, and his bimbo girlfriend picked up the slack.

The past week has been massive.

I started the new job and just finished my first week there. I love it. Good people, good company.

My boyfriend is supportive and kind and interested in ME.

And only now things are so good on paper am I realising my issues that will sounds super cliche on here, but in reality, I never knew affected me so badly.

#1 being an absent father who has no interest in me whatsoever.

I meet all the classical “daddy issue” criteria for a girl. Overly flirtatious and promiscuous, blurred boundaries, a need to feel adored and approved by from men, a need for constant attention and love. It comes and go but generally it’s always there.

Third day of the job went swell.

I love it when he walks in dirty and smelling like oil.

I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I now work in I.T, for a big company, FULL TIME. WITH BENEFITS. AND A SALARY.

OH MYFUCKINGGOD

they asked me to sign another document today related to yesterdays medical.

PLEASE let this job come through!

advice;

- take care of your teeth.
- live below your means.
- if you come from a family of alcoholics, don’t start drinking.
- change your oil regularly.
- don’t be the most drunk person in the room.
- 90% of life is just showing up.
- Use a goddamn condom.
- Don’t get a credit card while you’re young and stupid.
- Stop slouching. 
- Don’t reboot that physical server after a few beers.
- Never… promise… crazy…a baby.
- “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.” (From snoop dogg.)
 

short term goals right now.

- land this particular job.
- buy a new Soarer.
- buy a new iPhone
- finish my weight loss at 60kg (less than 10kg to go!)
- 1 year with my partner.